Thanks to all of you who lit candles or remembered our sweet son in heaven and all the other babies who were lost sooner than we would have hoped. Doing something tangible to remember is so therapeutic to me, so I appreciate having days like Pregnancy & Infant Loss Remembrance Day.
6. God allows hurt and pain, but still desires to lavish us with blessings.
I struggled a bit with this one after our loss. I couldn’t dispute that God was good and I knew He had blessed me {He sealed my place in eternity with Him, I had a wonderful husband, a great family, lovely friends, encouraging church, etc.}, but I started to doubt just how much He wanted to bless me. He had blessed me undoubtedly, but would He really knock my socks off and give me the desires of my heart? Part of me wondered if He was withholding from me. When I look at all the Lord has done since our loss, I can undoubtedly say that God really does want to lavish His children with every blessing possible. What that looks like on this side of heaven, I’m not certain, but scripture talks about God blessing us with every spiritual blessing in Christ Jesus {Ephesians 1:3}. I wish I could say that every woman who struggled with infertility would eventually conceive or that every single person would eventually marry, but I do know that God wants to give us a full and overflowing life {John 10:10}. He is our loving Father and wants to bless us!
7. Grief is not the same as depression.
This one might be somewhat random, mixed in with a lot of other spiritual lessons, but I did want to mention it. I’m certainly no mental health expert and will never claim to completely understand depression, but I have learned that grief and depression are not the same. Just because someone is sad or missing their loved one doesn’t mean they are depressed {not that there is anything to be ashamed about if you or someone you love genuinely does struggle with depression}. I won’t sit here and say that grief couldn’t ever lead to depression if it’s not dealt with, but they are not synonymous. Just as depression is far more complex than mood swings and emotional states, so is grief. It’s a process and takes time, but because someone grieves in a way that you do not understand, does not mean they are clinically depressed. By all means, encourage your grieving friends to attend support groups or to talk to someone, but don’t assume the worst just because they cry a lot and still miss or talk about their loved one. Being a caring friend is a delicate balance, and not an easy one.
8. Grieving never stops…until we meet Jesus.
Grief is a life-long process and will change as time marches on. My early stages of grief were so much different than the way I grieve now, and thankfully so. Those early months were some of the most intense and difficult moments of my life and I needed to go through them in order to begin the healing process. I needed to feel the depth of the pain and to acknowledge it before the Lord. But, the grief got easier to deal with slowly but surely. I continue to grieve my son, but the grief is more of a missing and a yearning to be reunited. In some ways, the continuation of my grieving process is probably not a bad thing. It keeps my eyes on Jesus and what is to come in eternity.
9. God is big enough to handle all your hurt and wants you to share it with Him.
This is a big one for me. When God tells us to cast all our burdens on Him, He means it {1 Peter 5:7}! He doesn’t want us to walk this life alone or without Him. This also means being honest with Him about our feelings. Just because you don’t like His plan for you, doesn’t mean you have less faith. It just means you are human and your situation is hard. Let Him know how you feel {anger, frustration, disappointment, and all}, but ask Him to help you through it in a way that would please Him. He can handle all your emotions and feelings and can bring you through your valley or storm, so lay it on Him! He is a mighty God and desires to carry you through even the toughest of trials {Matthew 11:28}.
10. God’s promises are true.
Some of this goes back to God’s character. Because He is perfect, He cannot lie. He says what He means and He means what He says. He’s so much more straightforward than I am sometimes – ha! There are no mind games with Him. We can take Him at His word when He gives us a promise {1 Corinthians 1:2}. Again, we may not feel like His promises are true because of our circumstance, but we also need to keep our eyes focused beyond the temporal things. Even if His promises aren’t fulfilled on this side of heaven, they will be in eternity! When He says He will remember every tear {Psalm 56:8} and will wipe them all away {Revelation 21:4}, He means it! When He promises to restore your joy, trust Him to do that {Jeremiah 30:17}!
I am no theologian and will not claim to have grief all figured out, but I just wanted to share a few of the things the Lord has been teaching me through our loss in hopes that it might encourage someone.
If you are going through a tough, heart-breaking circumstance, can I just encourage you to open up God’s word and let it {Him} speak to you? If you genuinely seek Him, you will find Him and I assure you that He will make your burden lighter. In fact, it’s exactly what He desires. And if you feel like you are not making any progress in your grief, can I encourage you to talk with someone you love and trust and possibly even a medical professional? There is no shame in admitting you need help. In fact, I think it means you are actually quite strong. For when we are weak, He is strong!
